Crapps.co.uk

Crapps – Sieving the shit from modern society

Crapps.co.uk — Sun, 06 Jun 2010 12:14:12 +0000

Hello there,

How you doing? Good? Excellent. Now we can begin:-

Crapps started out life as a review site for iphone apps. The proliferation of rubbish apps, designed by bandwagon hopping geeks looking to invent the next Facebook left a dearth of useless, pointless and fruitless tools. In the course of time it became apparent that it wasn’t just apps that were rubbish. Much of the technology & content being spewed into the internet these days is designed with features, not benefits, in mind.

As such, Crapps has evolved into a filtration site – a place where some of the more useless online creations can be reviewed, judged and discarded. Because as any fool knows, there’s a hell of a lot of shit out there.

You can send in any suggestions – from content, opinions, inventions, websites, music – anything that you rate as rubbish or worse. Just stay away from racial incitement and religion. It’s not big, not clever, and in the case of religion not even true – so you can park your half witted idealisms and piss off.

Cheers,

HAL

XXXXX – STOP PRESS – 5000 Apps Get Axed By App Store – XXXXX

Crapps.co.uk — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 21:04:50 +0000

5000 supposedly crap apps today got the heave ho from App Store, says the Telegraph Online

According to the report, inappropriate content has been cited by Apple. And “Hooray!”, we should be saying at Crapps HQ – “A victory for common sense over density. Of benefit over function. Good against evil. Useful vs. Crapp!

Or is it? The arbitrary exclusion of iBoobs and others, for example, reeks of sour grapes. And we all know from Apple’s business model how they like to dominate their own little corner of the universe (See the i Pod, Mac & Phone for evidence).

Apps were getting out of hand. User generated content was popular – and profitable (no matter how stupid or distasteful) and the big man wasn’t getting his Jobsworth.

Just wait and see if any remotely graphic apps appear from licensed providers (paying hefty fees) in the coming year, and if they do, prepare for a revolution.

22/ Farting Boobs App (£ Price unknown)

Crapps.co.uk — Sat, 20 Feb 2010 19:41:28 +0000

It's just a gas (and tits)

When you hand over a vat of potato vodka to a bunch of Scandinavians and turn the lights out for six months of the year, what can you expect the result to be? This blight on society came care of some Nordic developers who put two and two together (“Apps about boobs sell, yes? And apps about farting sell, yes? Sho, we make app with boobies and farting!”)

Not so much as a brain storm than a thin waft of breeze across an otherwise empty head space.

I think (and don’t judge me on this – I won’t be buying this app until hell freezes over and satan and jesus ice dance the Bolero wearing rainbow tutus) that you juggle the boobs and make various sounds of gaseous exhalation.

We hope our Nordic chums make some flash money from this – and let’s face it, they probably have already. Then they can do something useful like teach their ski team how to finish a race in the top half of the field…

In the mean time (and just so we can be positive about something for a change) this video sums up what we at Crapps would like to believe is a day in the life at Apple’s intellectual orchard – otherwise known as iPhone App HQ:-

www.juliansmith.tv

21/ The Barf Puke-A-Thon App (99 cents, iTunes)

Crapps.co.uk — Thu, 11 Feb 2010 11:27:54 +0000

As much fun as food poisoning

There’s a widely accepted pattern of emotions which anyone experiencing grief will go through. These emotions are made up of: -

Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

However it doesn’t just work for grief. Most people who have eaten a dodgy curry, mixed red wine with cider, picked up a dose of gastroenteritis or seen Jedward live will know that in the hours , minutes and seconds before you lose your guts through one or more orifices, you’ll go through exactly the same five phases.

But now help is at hand – you can bypass this misery with an app which allows you to make a variety of puking sounds for the amusement of your mates. From ‘Mouth Full’ to ‘Thick’n'Chunky’, and the quite frankly terrifying ‘Double Down’ you can have literally seconds of fun before you realise you’re the owner of something genuinely useless.

At which point you’ll have to go through the five stages of grief anyway.

20/ The Baby Shaker App (Was $1.59 – is now banned, understandably)

Crapps.co.uk — Wed, 10 Feb 2010 15:18:43 +0000

Get the marshmallows out - because someone is burning in hell for creating this...

In honour of Crapps.co.uk passing the 10,000 visitor mark in less than a week (cheers B3TA.com) we want to honour possibly the most distasteful effort at attempted controversy we’ve ever seen in this media – the Baby Shaker app.

If any of our readers were offered £10k and told to come up with the most despicable app idea they could, then its likely we’d have a hundred very funny ideas in no time. However, common indecency would prevail and we’d also have a handful of sick ideas from stoned psychos with a moral code that would put Pol Pot to shame – and it’s from this gene pool that Baby Shaker has emerged.

It’s very easy to be controversial – much easier than, say, being witty or clever. Controversy can sell, sure (just check out the Red Top headlines and see how many people give a shit about the indiscretions of a man who chases an inanimate orb around a field for a living) but it’s the thick man’s way into riches.

This app has been banned by Apple – and rightfully so. If you were to buy it, then… Zzzzzz. You can imagine what it’s about – you get the app, baby cries, you shake the phone to shut it up – and that’s it.

It’s just shit – and pretty unpleasant, really.

It’s not only in particularly bad taste – it doesn’t even try to be funny or engaging, making it a lazy, sick, boring and wasteful effort – all at the same time.

If you’re going to be a twat and build something this pointless and unsavoury, at least have the common decency and guts to put your own face on it.

Yes, Alex – we’re talking to you – you complete cunt.

19/ “Propose… and Marry” App (0.59p at iTunes)

Crapps.co.uk — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 13:27:58 +0000

I will love, honour and re-inflate you

Back in the day, before the industrial revolution, those who were thinking of ideaology outside the agreed boundaries of the church were often exposed as heretics, jailed and offered a cozy seat on the wrong end of a log fire.

As with any form of progress, the modern world has rid itself of such outdated methodologies, and as such, any menk with a pulse can promote their ideas to a wider audience without fear of retribution, no matter how misguided they may be.

It is with apps such as this one that makes you think the Spanish Inquisition may have been ahead of their time.

Basically, for those too socially inept to string together the crucial four words “Will you marry me?” in one cohesive sentence, they can now spend sixty pence and have their inanimate phone take responsibility for what used to be the most important (and romantic) question a man could ever ask. The app opens with a heart shaped box, to be proffered on screen to the intended bride. Assuming she is in possession of working fingers (i.e. not tied up) and is conscious (no guarantees there either) she can slide open the box to see a virtual ring (which can then be customised using a variety of virtual gems and metals).

Once again app developers are helping to reshape the world we live in. I mean, two years ago, if you heard someone say:- “I took the expensive, classy route and bought the ring in Argos” you’d expect a punchline to follow.

As it is, the sanctity of marriage for the Chav classes has been pissed on from a great height. The iDivorce is doubtless in development, and for this whole calamity we should be fairly ashamed as a species.

18/ Love Calculator App (99 Cents)

Crapps.co.uk — Sat, 06 Feb 2010 21:09:18 +0000

Love, as a concept, is pretty arbitrary.

In its best iteration, its immeasurable. In its worst, it’s uncanny (and unrequited)

And as such, horrible.

The ‘Love Calculator’ app is basically the Stairway to Hell that Led Zep never wrote about.

You enter your name and the name of your object d’ amour – and based on some type of Mystic Meg smoke and daggers, you’re told what

What's love got to do with it?

your percentage fit is.

It’s rubbish, obviously. Which is why it’s here. In fact it’s more than that, because sometimes some sad and lonely punters believe this drivel.

Trust us, people – in the realm of attracting the opposite sex, some simple rules can be applied:-

Look into their eyes, make then laugh and be honest – that’s the recipe for love at its base level. Go outside those rules and you might be taken for a mug in the divorce courts.

And you don’t need a calculator to tell you what that’ll cost you.

17/ Sound Grenade App (99c – $2.99, iTunes Store)

Crapps.co.uk — Sat, 06 Feb 2010 12:21:13 +0000

Normally, reviews here at Crapps.co.uk

Boom Boom, shake the room

pick on applications that are useless, irrelevant and annoying. The refreshing thing about the Sound Grenade app is that the developer who built it agrees with us entirely, making it unique in the realm of self-awareness.

In the best case of commercial versus personal contradiction since Jesus went into the nail business, the developer (anonymously known as ‘High’) wrote a blog post titled:- “I wrote a top 10 iPhone app… and it’s shit“

Sound Grenade is a single-serving app that plays a sound with one button, designed specifically as “a tool for people to annoy others.”

High explained in an interview with ARSTechnica.com that he “…hit a brick wall for app ideas” but having read about the profitability of crap ringtones he had a Eureka moment, and Sound Grenade was born.

“It really is a terrible app” says ‘High’, but he published it on iTunes anyway. Two days later, Sound Grenade had received positive reviews and was well on its way to profitability.

We imagine that the creator is currently residing in a small room, crying quietly to himself and wondering whether this atrocity really is the pinnacle of his career.

Sadly, it probably is.

16/ Katie ‘Jordan’ Price App (99 Cents – Somewhat over Priced…)

Crapps.co.uk — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 21:49:55 +0000

Giant boobs used to be fun - now they're a pain in the neck

With euthanasia being such a prevalent issue in the media right now, this review seemed somewhat appropriate.

There is no living entity more likely to create the desire to top oneself (assisted or otherwise) than the vacuous bint that is Jordan.

And now, via the medium of her own iPhone App, those who are currently resting in that sorry state of considering Hari Kiri can bypass the Samaritans entirely and move straight to the business at hand.

They can simply spend just over 50 pence, put their head between their legs, kiss their arse goodbye and buy this blight on 21st Century society.

Give it five minutes, and our depressive, goth dressing, lonely and morbidly obsessed youth with die through apathy alone.

To explain what the App does… in fact, fuck it. This is about as base as it gets. If this turgid shit ever hits the mainstream we’re all fucked anyway. Recognise that her lack of presence, and her money-making capabilities, are a sign that we’re all on the way to hell in a hand basket.

And that if Heat, Grazia, The Sun and the media as a whole don’t grow a pair and tell her to piss off, we all have much, much more to worry about.

If you even consider purchasing anything to do with this voice enabled sex doll, you deserve all you get.

15/ NHS ‘Know Your Limit’ App, (Free from the NHS via iTunes)

Crapps.co.uk — Sat, 26 Dec 2009 10:36:25 +0000

"Me I like to think that life is like a drink and I hope to god mine tastes like Bourbon"

The best of intentions can often lead to trouble, and as much as we at Crapps applaud the efforts of the NHS in curbing binge drinking and drink driving, this latest effort to get down with the Yoof appears to have backfired dramatically.

The ‘My Drinks’ app allows you to log the drinks you’ve imbibed through an evening out. It will tally up your units, let you know when you’re nearing your personal limit and also give you a heads up as to when you’re over the drink drive limit (although if you need reminding when you’ve had two pints you shouldn’t be allowed in the pub in the first place). It’s a piss-ometer, and appears to work a treat.

The problem is, British kids are world famous binge drinkers. And being a proud race, they’ve taken this useful tool and turned it into a personal challenge. Now the NHS has become the creator of a device which allows teens and workers alike to measure ‘personal best’ drinking scores and publish them onto the Facebook or Twitter accounts while they’re still getting into fights, having ill advised sex and pissing the bed.

It’s a shame, as the thinking and technology are a good idea – but it seems the NHS underestimated the British constitution, sense of national pride and ability to see a challenge at the end of every alcopop.

Happy Pissed-mas, Great Britain!